Leaving

My realization that this is all coming to end has slowly but surely started to hit me. It hit me when we finished our last final yesterday and I immediately celebrated with a nutella filled cookie. It hit me when I left the American Center one last time. It hit me when Caroline left last night. It hit me when I hugged Lisa goodbye before we embark on our flight tomorrow (big yes for being together then). It especially hit me when I punched in the password to get into my host mother's place one last time.

My dear friend Mimi wrote us all a facebook note last night about her wonderful experience, and how she learned a lot about herself. I always wondered what that meant, because I never took the opportunity to evaluate how much I had learned about myself in this short period of time. When I walked without my Ipod over to my last Saturday outdoor market, I realized how much I feel as though I have changed. A change that I feel like is long overdue, and a change I didn't anticipate would happen.

When I went to Israel a few years ago, everyone said your life would change there and I felt a little empty not feeling the same affects as most people did. I felt change, yes, but some of the people who I went with were looking at real estate there. But I feel like change happens gradually, without you knowing, and you don't realize it happens until you're about to encounter another change. In this case, coming home.

I learned a lot about myself within the comfort zone of my independence and my aloneness. A lot of study abroad experiences involve constantly stepping out of comfort zones to get accustomed to a lifestyle you never think you're going to be able to adjust to. I suddenly find the enjoyment in just being myself, rather than a dependence on any other people. Being alone is not lonely.

I feel like I have a lot of things to thank for that. The first, is the obvious. Aix-en-Provence is so quaint and fantastic that you want to relish in every moment that you can with or without people. Another thing to thank, is the fact that I came to France single. Not because I dated many French boys (not many. I'll elaborate on this more later in this entry), but because I was flooded with having to do more things alone. I feel like it's easy to completely accept yourself when someone else is also accepting you at the same time. In serious relationships, I feel as though it is inevitable to feel a safety blanket. This is not to negate the good, but another facet.

I have become more accustomed to, and in fact, embraced, discovering new things on my own and not wanting to tell someone else right away. Rather, wanting to remember moments that you share with yourself, because you're the only person that can love certain memories in the way you remember them. In spite of discovering things like the mere horror of Brussels with Lisa and Caroline, the memories you create by and for yourself are more important when it comes to bettering yourself, as well.

There is no point in feeling awkward when you're waiting for a person, because people are always waiting. There is no point in doubting a fashion choice, a life choice, or any other type of choice that can welcome judgement because people are constantly making personal choices themselves. Etc., etc.

These are things that I never really understood until recently. I was always aware of them, wanted to change them, and wanted to constantly be a better version of myself, but being a study abroad student floods you with personal growth that you don't even realize.

When it comes to bettering myself here, I also have to thank my amazing friends for that. In spite of a few unhappy people in the program who displaced their unhappiness on the rest of us, I really loved the people in my program. Here we all were, changing, and learning, and it didn't have to be recognized out loud to recognize it.

More specifically, with Caroline and Lisa since the three of us kind of found each other from the beginning. When Caroline left last night, I realized how good friendships are so good when the bring out the best in you. I love my friends who are already in my life so much, but to share a study abroad experience with two people who you have an incredible kinship with is special in its own way. I felt more spontaneous, and every moment was always hilarious. We had our rituals, and we had our random moments that made each day full of comedy. Towards the end, I realized my closeness with other friends, too, which is also going to be difficult to leave.

One topic that always ensured perpetual comedy, concerns the French men. Between their text messages, dating style, and copious amount of cultural misunderstandings, dating in France has been the most hilarious experience of all. Not that our french text messages are probably all that great, but one of my favorite english text messages has got to be this one:

"When you arrive, you make me ringing!"

Translation: "When you get there, call me!"

Obviously I knew what this meant right away, but it makes me wonder if "you make me ringing" may also be some sort of sexual come on for the French. Their moves are for the most part outdated that this would not surprise me one bit. French people also use SO MANY EMOTICONS. One guy I was seeing once sent me a text message with two emoticons in one, which was an exception to the one per text rule which occurred almost every time.

French men are also feminine. Yes, I know, doesn't this make them romantic? Sure, of course it does. But I'd rather some good old fashioned American flirting than a nutella crepe to lure me into a relationship. They also love to touch each other in appropriately. There was a period of time in which one of my French Squeeze's happened to be the best friend of Lisa's French Squeeze, and the two of them would inappropriately slap each other's genitalia as if were the most normal thing on earth. Denying they ever made out did not have Lisa and I convinced at all. Nonetheless, it was fun to go on a double date (the one time) and he took me to Cassis one time and picked me up from the airport when I came back from Copenhagen. He once offered to take me to "salad and pink wine," but the offer seemed like too much of a joke. But everyone loves a good language barrier, thus making this "thing," whatever it was, interesting. These guys loved how much money they had, and weren't afraid to talk about it. They would go to this club and inappropriately buy a 150 euro bottle of Jack Daniels just to have a table. If you have that money, that's great for you. But let's talk about it for 2 more hours.

That was my second Squeeze. My first French Squeeze was really really kind, but it just wasn't for me. As opposed to Americans, they don't ask you to if you want to be their girlfriend (which I'm not so sure really exists anyway in America). They sort of just... assume.

No, not sort of. They assume. I had been seeing this guy for about a week, and by seeing, I mean a cafe, a glass of wine, or a walk in the park from time to time (no, seriously, these things happened), and all of sudden he started calling me his girlfriend. Really now? At first I went along with it because I figured more feelings could start to develop and why not? However, relationships emotionally move much slower here, inevitably, because there is a language barrier. He understands English pretty well and we spoke French most of the time, but a good part of our relationship was finding the other one adorable because of something he/she said in French/English. Nonetheless, breaking up with him was awkward because the relationship only lasted about a month, and also Aix-en-Provence should be renamed Ex-en-Provence because I saw him everywhere the rest of my semester. Like I said, Aix is small.

There were some mini-dates as well but those really aren't important. I think my point has been made. I don't want to say that I'm not a romantic, but sometimes it's just too much. Sometimes, you want to be treated like a person, not a like an American Girl. I think being an American Girl is put on such a pedestal here, because the French guys think you're going to be enamored with them simply because they are French guys. But here's the thing French guys: for the most part, you make me awkward. Thanks for the fun, laughs, good times, but you shouldn't text us girls so much. Also, what's it like being a man? When you know, get back to me.

In all seriousness, dating in France was FUN, and enriched my experience so much more.

This is long, I know. I just wanted to say a lot. I love Aix-en-Provence so much, and you should really make it down here. I'm going to miss walking down the street, buying a baguette, and finding half of it is gone by the time you get to where you want to go. I'm going to miss all of the wildflowers that grow, the greenery all around the city, and pace. I'm anxious to get back to New York, but putting anxious in a sentence with New York is no surprise. I truly feel this has changed my life, and I can't wait to carry that part of me with me whether it be in my basket bag or with how I look at myself.

What an experience. I really don't know what else to say. Thank you for reading this whole long thing if you did.

I have so much love in me, so thank you Aix. Best semester of my life. Hands down.

At 2:40 pm on Sunday the 23rd, I'll be home!